A mate of mine, Conrad, who works with me on my market stall is involved in a swingers group and on the third Saturday of each month is usually to be found up to no good whatsoever in someone else's wife or girlfriend.
Now this particular bunch of kinky swingers like to throw a very special do each year. Last December dearest Conrad invited me along to their Greedy Girls Christmas Party. Oh fucking dear.The venue itself was a dingy basement club somewhere near the Holloway Road. Conrad and I each paid a score to enter, which also entitled us to both a ticket for the raffle and the finger buffet. I tried in vain to haggle on the price as I had just blown a fiver on a Burger King and therefore wasn't hungry.
On reaching the basement we bought a drink and joined the big group of men sitting around the dance floor. Most of them were well dressed and fairly normal looking but I found it strangely reassuring to see that a few dirty mac enthusiasts had decided to put in an appearance.
At first the entertainment was fairly typical of any strip show. One girl would come round with a jug collecting coins and then do a striptease in front of us.There were eight strippers in total. Three of them were stunning and the rest not too untidy either. After they had each taken a turn the evening began to get livelier. The dances got filthier by the minute. One lass, or sometimes two, would strip and then begin going round to each man in turn. They would writhe around on your lap or even climb up and sit on your face. It was incredible. You could put your hands or mouth wherever you fancied, which of course we bloody did! They would also let you insert all manner of sex toy paraphernalia.
At one point Conrad's glasses disappeared - though this rendered him quite blind the rest of us cheered madly. Then they began doing lesbian shows where they would cavort about on the floor kissing, fondling and giving each other plenty of cunniwotsit. Occasionally a member of the audience would be picked to join them. I had loads of fun trying to insert a plastic banana held between my teeth. As I threw my head forward and back in a furious shunting manoeuvre my lucky girl re-enacted lots of moans and squirms whilst her mate rubbed my delighted groin.
I was playing a belter until I managed to get strawberry lubricant in one of my eyes. I returned to my seat in agony. This type of erotic nonsense went on for ages until sex aids and baby lotion bottles littered the place.
It soon became clear that these strippers were also kindly hookers and were available for anything imaginable upstairs in private (bless them). Apparently even watersports were on offer, but, frankly, I have never been much of a swimmer. Conrad and I were just discussing whether on not to indulge in some action when there was an announcement that there would now be a finale.
We decided to wait and see what was about to happen.
The finale went like this. First we all had to put a quid in the glass. Then all the strippers appeared together on the dance floor and began slowly removing each other's clothing. The wives or girlfriends of three men in the audience had now arrived and quickly joined the other girls. Like I said, this was a swingers party.
Next, each girl invited two men to join her. Unbelievably, many of the blokes were only interested in watching (the perverts).
Therefore, there was no risk of not being picked. Even if there had been too many willing volunteers I would have spilt blood to get to the front. I was in no mood to miss out. So now we were all standing huddled in a big group with two blokes to each girl.
In fairness, the girl I was with wouldn't have been my first choice, or, indeed, my last. She was one of the female swingers from the audience and certain parts of her anatomy were hovering somewhere near the ridiculous. For example, her nose was having more than a bit of trouble sitting straight with her face (mind you, her glass eye was something of a turn on). At this point the music started up. The fact that they were playing cheesy Christmas hits only added to the occasion. I will never again be able to listen to Slade's "Merry Christmas Everybody" without a stupid grin appearing across my freckled face. As Noddy Holder burst into song my obliging lass has already dragged my trousers and pants to the floor - she now has my wand in her mouth and the other guy's in her clenched fist.
I had never before experienced this kind of scenario in front of other men so I must admit to being a tad self-conscious. Therefore, she had more than a spot of bother raising dear old Moby. The guy next to me was having no such problem and in no time he had got his quid's worth. Fortunately it was the girl and not I who bore the brunt of his love splash. But then, just as things were starting to happen in my nether regions, the music stopped. The show was over. I had missed my moment.Without my urges satisfied I was in a filthy temper.
I would now have to go upstairs and pay the King's shilling. I was now sorely lacking in funds so had Conrad in a half Nelson demanding he lend me the necessary readies. They then announced there would be another finale. Fantastic. This time I even got the girl I wanted. She was gorgeous, with brunette hair and had an hourglass figure. Plus, she had a naughty smile to die for. This time bodies began to gyrate to the musical accompaniment of Jonah Lewie's "Stop the Cavalry". I felt far more relaxed and in only a few minutes I had done my business.
I even remembered to wish my special girl a happy Christmas as I sprayed across her tits and face. It was perfect.I was now up for leaving but Conrad wanted to join in the third and final finale (sorry if that sounds ridiculous). There was now only a small gathering out on the floor. Everyone else was getting ready to depart. Some of the girls were running around trying to squirt people with cans of whipped cream. They were just having a laugh rather than trying to be erotic. Unfortunately as one of them ran towards me she slipped on the messy floor. Instead of squirting me with cream she struck me a nasty blow to the head with the fucking can. She nearly knocked me bloody out. Finally Conrad and I took the night air and set for home. I was very happy if slightly concussed. What a blinder of an evening! Open goal!
The Ginger Flame