Friday, January 25, 2008

A Conversation About Angels

It’s the flashes that get me more than anything. I’ll just be doing something trivial and routine when I get a sudden flash of remembering. It’s usually nothing, no big revelation, no pivotal scene from our relationship, but it still haunts me a little.

Sometimes certain things remind me. My clothes do it. Everything I wear these days was either bought by her or bought with her. My favourite books do it as well. I’d leant most of them to her. I think about certain sections and lines she’d read back to me because she liked them so much. Sometimes in the morning I remember how it felt to wake up next to her, her warm feet gently rubbing up against mine, her hands slowly finding my chest as she embraced me from behind. I remember the little noises that she made when she was being affectionate, the little squeak that I found so sweet as she nuzzled into my shoulder.

These are the ones that I usually get. These are the most common. I don’t even need to think about them anymore, they’re almost sub-conscious.

But sometimes I get random flashes. Brief conversations we once had about something we watched on TV in bed at half two in the morning. Or her reaction to a song she’d heard on the radio. Or when we played a game when we couldn’t sleep where we’d take it in turns to ask each other anything we could think of. That kind of thing. Anything.

I had a random flash today as I was walking home. It was a conversation we’d once had about angels. I don’t know where it came from and I hadn’t thought about it since that day but I was thinking about it now.
We’d only been together properly for about a month but we’d been seeing each other for a lot longer. We already loved each other but she was just so scared of being hurt that she couldn’t let herself be with me. She constantly told me how afraid she was and how she knew for a fact that I’d cause her more pain than I ever could happiness.

She was talking about her ex-boyfriend from when she was fifteen. She said how she believed in angels as people who come into our lives and just make things better, even if they don’t realise it themselves. She said that she thought he was an angel.

I shouldn’t have said it but I was jealous. I loved her so much. I wanted to be her angel. It was pathetic but I asked if she thought I could be an angel. I was only half-joking. She looked disappointed in me and we started talking about something else.

The flashes make me feel like shit but that’s probably right.

Sometimes I even have flashes about the other girl. The one who I’d been so impressed with when she’d told me her story. The one that I didn’t believe when she told me I was still a good person as I lay in bed next to her.

These flashes are the most painful and the ones that I try my hardest to ignore.

Joe Roche

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